The 6 Secrets to Developing Lasting Confidence

The greatest challenge for most people is to figure out how to develop lasting confidence.  What exactly is lasting confidence?  Well, it means that you’re confident when you’re succeeding in life, and you’re also confident when you’re failing.  You’re confident when life isn’t going very well, or when you’re being criticized. 

What I’ve discovered over the past several decades is that if you have lasting confidence, your life will go so much more smoothly.  You’ll make decisions based on what is best for you, rather than trying to please others.  And you’ll bounce back from life’s inevitable missteps and failures more easily. 

The problem is that it’s hard to develop that kind of confidence. We live in a world in which our confidence is undermined at every turn.  After all, so many folks are snitty and critical.  They’re more apt to say an unkind word rather than build others up. 

The good news is that there are tried and true approaches that you can use to develop lasting confidence. Below are 6 secrets to do so.  Follow these approaches and develop a confidence that will help you feel good about yourself, no matter what life throws at you.

1. Ignore the Opinions of Others

One of the most important keys to lasting confidence is this: Stop caring about what other people think. What your parents think of you is irrelevant.  What your siblings, family and friends think of you also doesn’t matter.  The same holds true for your spouse and your children.  Just ignore their opinions of you.

Why?  Why should we ignore the opinions of those closest to us? Well, because if you want to develop lasting confidence, you have to believe in yourself.  Your confidence won’t be lasting if it’s dependent on the opinions of others, because other people’s opinions of you can change like the wind.

Now, you may say to me, “Well, don’t my parents want what’s best for me?”  Or, “Shouldn’t I be concerned about the opinions of my spouse or my children?”  The answer is “No.”  All those folks are welcome to their opinions.  That’s their right. 

But you have to believe in yourself.  You have to believe that you are a valuable human being.  And even if everyone else in the world is unhappy with you, to have lasting confidence, you have to like yourself, anyway.

So, if your parents, spouse, friends, siblings or children like you, well that’s lovely.  And if they don’t, that’s OK too.  The only thing that matters is whether you like yourself.  Because when you have lasting self-confidence, you can look in the mirror and feel good about yourself, regardless of what the world thinks of you.  And that kind of self-acceptance feels great!

2. Surround Yourself with the Right People

In your life, there will be two groups of people.  Group One are the folks who will like you because they fundamentally appreciate you as you are.  They enjoy your company.  Or perhaps they find you to be interesting or kind or thoughtful.  Those folks aren’t interested in your changing anything about yourself.  They just like you.

And then there’s Group Two. They are the folks who like you under certain terms.  They like you as long as you act how they want you to act.  And if you don’t operate on their terms, they’ll whine, complain and criticize you until you turn into the type of person that they want you to be.

If you want to develop lasting confidence, keep Group One.  And then get rid of Group Two.  Now, I’ll concede that Group One will be small.  I have a Group One.  I can count those folks on one hand.  And that’s OK! 

The good news is that over the years, I’ve more or less gotten rid of Group Two.  And what I can tell you is that it will bolster your confidence to get rid of Group Two.  Yes, we should be able to be confident in ourselves, even in the midst of Group Two.  But Group Two are a headache, and they don’t help us in our pursuit of lasting confidence. 

And the more important question is this: Why do you want to be around Group Two? Why do you want to be around people who want you to change in some way?  Over the years, I’ve had to deal with Group Two. They are the folks who thought I should change myself.  Those folks called me boring, not adventurous, too serious.  You name it.  I’ve heard it.  But at a certain point, I asked myself this: Why should I surround myself for people who don’t appreciate me (or who want to change me), when I have Group One? And the folks in my Group One are lovely!

So, if you want to develop your lasting confidence, stick with your Group One.  They think you’re great!  And you are!!

3. Stop Looking at the Internet and Social Media

If there’s one thing in today’s society that undermines our developing lasting confidence it’s this: The Internet and social media.  Why?  Well, the Internet and social media aren’t sources of encouragement.  Rather, they’re full of celebrities, famous individuals and even regular folks who are trying to show off how beautiful, rich and successful they are.  These folks have one goal: To send a message that they’re in some way “better” than everyone else.  And they want the world to look at them with envy. It’s demented.

Here’s my strong advice: If you want to develop lasting confidence, put on your blinders when it comes to the Internet and social media.  Stop looking at it. Ignore what other folks are doing. 

Instead, focus on yourself.  Focus on developing your own interests and skills. Focus on achieving your own dreams and goals. And don’t worry about what other folks are up to.

Realize that the key to being confident in life is to run your own race.  You can’t do that if you’re always looking at other folks on the Internet and social media.  If you pay too much attention to either one, you’ll try to race others.  And that isn’t the race you’re supposed to be in.

4. Understand Your Uniqueness

If there is one reason why you should be incredibly confident at this very moment, it’s this: You are important because you are unique.  Realize that there’s no one else on this earth like you.  No other person has your combination of looks, talents and personality.  So, no other person on this earth can offer to the world what you can.  And that’s huge.

So, go through life being confident because you have something very special to offer.  You simply aren’t replaceable. 

How do I know this?  From personal experience.  I know that no one is replaceable.  For instance, my mother died in 2022, and she cannot be replaced.  After she died, at times, I’d go into the bathroom alone and weep so hard that I could barely breathe.  There’s simply no replacement for her. If my daughter or husband died, I likewise could not replace them.  And I would be profoundly bereft. 

Realize that you’re unique.  You aren’t replaceable.  So, be confident. Because you have something so very special to offer the world.  And your only mission in this life is to figure out what that is and Do It. 

5. Replace Self-Criticism with Encouraging Self-Talk

Once in a while, I will look at pictures of myself in my twenties and thirties.  And I wish I could go back in time and say to that young woman, “You are amazing!  Stop doubting yourself.  And stop listening to anyone who says otherwise.”  Because that is how I view that young woman from my vantage point today.  Sadly, I can’t go back in time and do that.

But what I can do is say this to you right now: You are amazing. Stop doubting yourself. And stop listening to anyone who says otherwise.

Unfortunately, the world is a critical place.  And to develop lasting self-confidence, you have to fight against the world and its criticisms.  That means you need to stop criticizing yourself, and you need to be your own cheerleader. 

So, use the mantra above.  Look in the mirror every morning and every evening and say those words to yourself.  Say them so often, that they inhabit every fiber of your being. 

Use that mantra to develop your confidence armor.  Because you are amazing, and you should go into the world each day knowing that to be true.

6. Pick a Role Model Who Overcame Obstacles

The good news is that as you develop your confidence, you can look to role models who’ve had to do the same.  You can look to people who developed their confidence in the midst of significant obstacles, and had successful lives.  These may be folks who initially no one believed in.  But they chose to believe in themselves.  Or they may be folks who had to be confident enough to overcome one failure after another.  But through confidence and persistence, they eventually achieved their goals.

Maya Angelou and Oprah Winfrey are two women who come to mind in this regard. Both came from very humble beginnings.  But they believed in themselves.  And their self-confidence led them to persevere and ultimately achieve great things.  Abraham Lincoln was someone who suffered one tragedy and failure after another.  And yet he through confidence and perseverance, he became the United States’ most important president.   

Find a person whose life story resonates with you.  Learn about that person.  As you do, you’ll come to realize that the people who’ve had great achievements didn’t have perfect lives.  And they weren’t perfect people.  But they developed lasting confidence.  And their confidence allowed them to believe in themselves and stand tall, even when at times, the world didn’t believe in them.  Use those folks to inspire you on your journey to developing your lasting confidence.

If you are seeking to develop lasting confidence, follow the approaches above.  And make this your mantra: You are amazing.  Stop doubting yourself.  And stop listening to anyone who says otherwise. (To read about ways to be humble and yet confident, click here.)