The world can be a critical place. Sadly, many people are more comfortable with criticizing others than with paying a compliment. However, the good news is that we all can learn to be confident in ourselves, regardless of the feedback that we get from the world. How do we do that? By stopping our negative self-talk and building inner kindness.
The challenge is that sometimes it’s hard to know when we are engaging in negative self-talk. After all, what is the difference between (1) holding yourself to a high standard, which is good, versus (2) being too hard on yourself when you don’t always meet that standard, which is bad?
Most of us aspire to be as hard working and kind as possible. And being aspirational is great! But when we don’t meet our aspirations, we need to give ourselves a break. Because the reality is that not one of us will consistently live up to our high standards. Falling short of the mark on occasion is part of being human.
Our problem is that we can be too hard on ourselves when we fall short of the mark. And that kind of negative self-talk unnecessarily erodes our confidence. When we fall short of the mark, we need to be kinder and gentler with ourselves. But how do we do that?
Below are steps that you can take to stop the negative self-talk. Follow these steps, build inner kindness, and go through life feeling confident. Because you are a fantastic person and you should feel great about yourself!!!
Step One: Notice the Negative Voice
We can’t stop negative self-talk if we don’t even realize that we’re doing it! Negative self-talk comes in all kinds of forms. For example, it happens when you compare yourself to others and conclude that you aren’t as smart, attractive or successful as they are. Or it may happen when you make a mistake and then beat yourself up for it. There are so many ways that we can engage in negative self-talk.
Now when most of us engage in negative self-talk, we think we’re being rational. We might say to ourselves, “Well, I’m just reasonably identifying where I’ve made a mistake.” Or, “I’m just noticing areas where I can improve.” Obviously, identifying when you’ve made a mistake or where you can improve is fine. The problem is being too hard on yourself for being imperfect.
So, when you catch yourself being too hard on yourself, e.g. engaging in negative self-talk, just notice it. Observe the thought as if you’re an outsider. And then label it: “That’s my critical voice again.”
Because the challenge is that you can’t change a negative voice, if you first don’t recognize it as a negative voice that needs to be eliminated.
Step Two: Interrupt the Negative Thought Pattern
Once you’ve identified the negative thought, then the key is to interrupt it. Gently. You can say to yourself:
- “That’s not helpful.”
Or
- “We’re not going down that road today.”
The key is to redirect your brain to a place that’s positive. One approach is to create a routine that you regularly use to stop negative thinking. So, every time a self-critical thought pops up, you might choose to listen for five minutes to a particular song, or a favorite podcast. Or you might read an inspirational article or chapter from a favorite book.
The key is to have a method that you consistently use when self-critical thoughts crop up. You don’t want those thoughts to take root in your brain. Instead, you want to immediately find something completely different to think about!
Step Three: Replace the Negative Thought with Something Positive and True
Once you’ve stopped going down the rabbit hole of negative thinking, then you need to replace that negative thought with a positive one – a thought that is both positive and true.
For example, let’s say that your negative thought is that you aren’t smart enough to go to college. Replace that negative thought with a true thought: “There’s a college out there for me. I just need to apply to a range of schools, and the right school will accept me.”
Or, perhaps you feel badly because you aren’t as athletic as your best friend. Replace that thought with a true thought: “My best friend is great at sports. I may not be as athletic as she is, but I’m a good musician, and I get good grades.” The key is to replace that self-critical thought with a true, positive thought.
And then, live in that world. Live in a world of positive, true thoughts. Because that’is the world where you can be properly confident in yourself.
Step Four: Talk to Yourself Like Someone You Love
If you truly love someone, you will see the best in that person. Even if that person makes the occasional mistake, you simply see their incredible qualities. Talk to yourself like you would talk to that person.
So, if you have a self-critical thought, ask yourself this question: “Would I make this comment to my daughter? My best friend? My husband?” If you wouldn’t criticize the people you love in such a manner, then why would yourself criticize yourself in that way?
Your inner voice should be one that is kind. That voice should offer reassurance and love to yourself, just as you would to someone who you deeply care about.
Step Five: Build a Daily ‘Inner Kindness’ Habit
If you want to proactively stop negative self-talk, it helps to incorporate positive, kind thoughts into your day. There are all kinds of ways that we can create a practice of inner kindness. Some simple practices include:
- Write down one thing you did well each day
- End each day with: “I did enough today.”
- Think of one thing each day that you’ve done to move yourself a little bit farther along the path of self-improvement.
- Take note of one thing that you’ve done each day to make life a little bit better for another person, an animal or the earth.
The most important thing to remember is that inner kindness is a daily practice. And like any daily practice we get better at it over time.
If you are seeking to stop negative self-talk, consider following the steps above. Develop your inner kindness. If you do, you’ll create a mindset that allows you to go into the world with confidence! (To read about how to believe in yourself, click here.)
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